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Saturday, May 14th, 2005
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12:31 am
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I might disintegrate into the thin air if you'd like
I'm not the dark center of the universe like you thought
Well, it took a lot of work to be the ass that I am
And I'm real damn sure that anyone can, equally easily fuck you over
Well, died sayin' something, but didn't mean it
Everyone's life ends, but no one ever completes it
Dry or wet ice, they both melt and you're equally cheated
Well, it took a lot of work to be the ass that I am
And I'm really damn sure that anyone can, equally easily fuck you over
Well, an endless ocean landin' on an endless desert
Well, its funny as hell, but no one laughs when they get there
If you can't see the thin air than why the hell should you care?
Well, it took a lot of work to be the ass that I am
And I'm really damn sure that anyone can, equally easily fuck you over
Well, I'm sure you'd tell me you got nothing to say
But our voices shook hands the other day
If you can't see the thin air what the hell is in the way?
Well, God sayin' somethin', but he didn't mean it
Everyone's life ends, but no one ever completes it
Dry or wet ice, they both melt and you're equally cheated
Well, it took a lot of work to be the ass that I am
And I'm really damn sure that anyone can, equally easily fuck you over
I'm sure you'll tell me you got nothin' to say
But our voices shook hands the other day
If you can't see the thin air then what the hells in your way?
ah...to derive inspiration from greatness....heres a station identification...I'm fuckin myself...in order to deal with my loss of friends in dallas, i've taken to the bottle...that cheap, yet reliable source of numbness known as alcoholism. it's started interfering with everyday life, so i'm leaving it behind...plus it's added at least 20 lbs o pudge to my sleek exterior...i need inspiration...a muse maybe...someone to step up and say "I'm interested" and yet...i don't feel interesting...not since I've been in my shell the past 6 yrs.
sometimes I want to step outside of myself and trek to the highest mountaintop and scream: "hear I am, this is who I am and what I am"...can't you hear it? that whisper of individualism...that exhaled thought, teetering on the cusp of identity. maybe I'm trying to find myself again...maybe I'm trying to adjust from turning 20 to 30 in less than 5 minutes (wish I could focus on those last 10 yrs - damn drugs).
well...my sheepishness will bid you all a fond farewell, as I drink my last sip o liquid irresponsibility and forge a trail to the land that is cotton goodness with an abysmally low thread count.
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| Sunday, April 24th, 2005
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12:45 am
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haha! thee ole update...so few and far between...so sparse in breadth and depth...so rich in alcohol induced witticism. I come rumbling like a furious, sputtering, leaky valve, just cocked enuff to spew a bit of vapor.
Wonder upon wonders....I...am...still in school. I'm also single, but as that seems to be a terminal condition and not a point of interest or ground shaking philosophical breakthrough or even a meager pimple on the grand and carnaverous face of fate....I'll just leave it to voodoo...seems that when humankind can't/won't/too afraid to explain something, then it must come up with an equally implausible and irresponsible reaction. So where were we? ah yes, gerbils...thee ole infinite superlative jacked so far up the rectum of reason that we tend to forget what the hell we were talking about. seems that on my journey to unlock little Nabisco cookied secrets of inner workings and insights , that I got caught up in the journey and forget the destination...anywhoo...back to reality, my comfortable ruby red slipper of technicolor. which the dreary part is, other than work and school there really is no new opus or Shakespearean tragedy...layne in his asian goodness came to bequeath much insobriety amongst the peasants of jasonville...and much fun was has by all, as far as the villagers in jason's cage o wonders can remember and as far as the legal age of concent in washington could throw in it's copious towel of lawful red tapedness...actually the word "tame" comes to mind. but I will leave you all to your well springs of intuitive thought and musings and will go crawl into the relative safety of linen goodness...nite!
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| Saturday, February 26th, 2005
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11:16 pm
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so...I have no idea how to reach out and make new friends...I have no confidence in my physical appearance, but I do seek solace in my artistic ability....no time or place to hang out...no one else who can balance industrial and psytrance..no one who can denounce a god quite like I can...in short, I'm unique and searching for the unique....I caught her once, a few years ago...maybe 10, but found her, she meshed with my, at then, shy and inexperienced demeanor...but, we kept running into each other once a year at least, guess where I'm going with this is, I found the one, in my estimate, but was too scared to follow up....and that mind state has pervaded my current mind set,. as I adjust to being 31 and/or not 20 anymore, I have to deal with the fact that I should be something...perhaps, something great..but I revert back to my shell, hoping for someone, mostly myself, to come save me from my own worst enemy...my psychi
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| Saturday, November 13th, 2004
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9:45 pm
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so this is it...thee ole update:
I arrived in Seattle mid Sept. spent the next couple o weeks shell shocked and ended up landing a job @ Wave Broadband (interview happened the first week I was here - Thx Don!). I spent the rest of Sept getting ready and finalizing everything reguarding school...with a couple stints of going to a club here : www.clubnocnoc.com was fun, got drunk...acted like a dork as usual. I've been employed @ Wave since the first week of Oct. and going to school since then too. The work load at the Art Institute is epic, to put it mildly, that coupled with part time work has me seeking a loan to cover my living expenses so I can just concentrate on school. It's tough, I literally do nothing in my precious few hrs of spare time a week...well in terms of social interactions....my free time is divided up between homework, the computer and some TV. I miss having a circle of friends...I miss having a venue to go to to dance comfortably, be myself and flex my social muscle...I have met some interesting people at the AI...some potential datee's even...time will tell
current mood:  drained
current music: The Psychologist - Examination (06162004)
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| Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
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1:51 am
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thx guys
I'm heading out there to persue my art career...started here @ UNT. So should we have a going away party this weekend? :D
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| Tuesday, August 24th, 2004
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11:06 pm
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ah...so here it is...
I'm movin...outtie...sending this hell on earth known as Texas back into the fires from whence it came. I'm goin to Disney Land! ok, not really...but I am moving to Seattle in a couple o weeks (leaving on the 1st, but spening some time in colorado with the father unit).
Wish me luck at the Art Institute up there. I don't ever plan on comming back to live in Texas, so it was groovy knowing everyone and I wish ya the best of luck in your endevors.
ciao!
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| Friday, July 30th, 2004
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3:15 am
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so...This is past entry I want to revist...because it's pertenant to the current situation:
"I went to Corsicana today to visit my Mamma Winnie. She's doing remarkably well, considering. This lady is hands down the most stubborn, strong willed independent women I've ever seen. She's a pillar of the community, still sells real estate at 85 and always gives to her fellow man. The tables turn when she falls and breaks her hip, and it's tearing her apart...she's not used to being on the recieving end, and would just assume start cooking for herself tomorrow...even though this was her first day home from the hospital. She's doing spectacular, but I'm afraid she'll do too much too fast. When I said good bye to her tonight, all I said was "good night mamma winnie, get better!" What I wanted to say was: "listen to your two daughters, they know what's best for you right now. I know it's frustrating losing the majority of your freedom, but they're helping you to regain that freedom. We all love you so much, and we want what's best. I love you mamma winnie, rest up so you can tackle tomorrow."
I have my spine growing somewhere ina pietri dish..."
so...2 years later and she's being moved into an assisted living facility. She's been deteriorating mentally at a shocking rate. My mom told me with teary eyes the other day that she (my grandma) slept unuaually hard during her nap one day...when she awoke she groggily stepped into the kitchen and asked my mom who she was...my mom said, "I'm your daughter"...my grandmother responded with, "I thought I only had one daughter." (my mom has a sister). I can only imagine the pain of forgetfulness...the bond between mother and daughter subjected to nature's cruel coup of the travesties of time...
time's slight...and not in Momma Winnies favor...I hope she'll be comforatbe, this is my last grandparent. My other 2 (grandfathers) died 16 years ago (that was an interesting 9th grade) :)
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1:57 am
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so, I've been in a funk lately...I can't relate to anyone around me...I'm tired of the social routine that I've been subjected to...in a word I'm miserable. I miss the social life I had...it felt good...I had friends with the same interests and even ideology to an extent. I feel myself getting farther and farther removed from that comfort zone. It's been replaced with mainstream society...their values..their morals...their hang ups and methodology. I've found myself taking philosophy classes...but the kids in the class are too inexperienced, tho the teacher I can relate to, somewhat....I've forgotten what the cookie cutter life was like, and I remember why I rebelled against it in the first place.
I appologize to anyone I may have offended in my last post...that's desperation talking....when faced with abandonment/separation one tries to be the aggressor and blame the abandoners. Maybe Nietzsche is right in that adversity and suffering is what makes us stronger...or maybe it makes us lose a part of who we are...like a callous covering a part of the body that's been rubbed raw too often, it's tougher, but can't feel as much anymore...
anyhoo...looks like I'll be headed to Seattle Sept. 1st...seems the chips are falling in all the right places...I'll miss the people but not the place :)
I'll send a postcard
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Skinny Puppy - smothered hope
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| Monday, June 21st, 2004
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11:57 pm
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the results are in...I suck in the eyes of the UNT graphic design department...I'm a novice, but can't even warrent the education neccessary to become all that I can be. Fuck UNT, I'm going to take my money elsewhere. the Art Institute of Seattle is calling, and I'm going to answer....provided everything is cosher. Sometimes the smallest nudge can be the most profound change in ones life...lets hope that this nudge is sending me in the right direction.
oh, and fuck everyone who doesn't talk to me anymore...distance and time tests friendships....if we haven't spoken in a few months, write me off, because, quite frankly I don't care and you aren't worth my effort (certain exception will be concidered if pleaded intelligently).
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| Saturday, June 12th, 2004
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3:24 am
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so...where have I been, what have I been up to...what's been the haps in my life?
I finished the Spring term with unabounding distress...apparently my drawing class figured they'd give me a letter grade 2 full grade pts lower than my calculations determinded (quite accurate, too). I tried to follow up, asking her when I could meet with her and discuss my discrepancy...but the illustrious professor delivered the inept response of:
Hi Jason, I'm happy to look into this but the Core office closes in the summer and my office hours resume in August. If you contact me again at that time I'll be glad to investigate the issue. In the meantime remember that exams are 30% of your final grade--lab is 70%. Your absences were listed on the Final Grade Report that Sarah handed back at the exam.
See you in August! Have a great summer -LG
so, the issue stands: I have to have a C or better in that curse (also known as course) by May 28th...which is long past. So what I'm doing is re-taking drawing II, dumping another 1k into the course over the summer and going to come out shining and lots of greenbacks poorer. Provided I get into my field of study. Which the entry entails about 300 of us applying into the game where each and every one of us has to show why we deserve to become graphic designers...above all is competency with the basic tools of the trade...drawing and design....300 will try...20 will graduate...it's that strict. I should get my results from the Enty Portfolio Review soon (80ish of us will get in).
I'm a nervous wreck (I've been having recent nightmares about failing and why I failed)...this is my shot....sometimes I think my last, at doing something...leaving a mark, to say....hey, I was here, this is my stab at immortality. This is also my rekoning of "Worthiness". So much of my life has been made up of "that goofy guy that was silly" or the "nice shy guy who makes a great friend and who is always mellow". That's bland...that's not who I really am...I have so much I want to express on the inside, and I'm just now finding my voice to carry the message I feel has been pent up in me for too long. I've changed a lot in the past couple years...trying to make it for the best...
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| Friday, April 30th, 2004
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11:04 am - flashback
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flashback lj style
Go into your LJ archives.
Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
Find the 5th sentence (or closest to).
Post the text of the sentence in your lj along with these instructions.
from Friday, May 30th, 2003:
"This worries me."
current mood: chipper
current music: Texas Faggott / Resergean - sonique
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1:44 am
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screw it...I keep deleting this journal and re-activating it...why? because I need a release, and this is a good venue for that unloading.
I just recently came to a realization...I'm an art fag...thanks to my bachelors of fine arts degreee, in progress, it's turned me into something I wholey love and cherish. The ability to look at a work of art and be able to critique it, with an eye toward the elitiest snobbery, it's very enlightening. now I know how they tick (the elites).
I know what I'm looking for in a "mate" now...someone who can discuss the Dada movement and incorporate said movement into contemporary art. What "ism" are we rebeling against now? Why does practicality fly in the face of expressionism?
I feel like we've been raped. In public schools, the mandatory education is based on percentages and the bottom line.
are we ever in control of passion? I don't think so, else artists would be benign in their attempts of enlightenment
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| Saturday, March 27th, 2004
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12:45 am
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heh...so I wonder if anyone reads this anymore...
I feel like my commitment to school and therefore my inability to socialize in the places that I used to, has driven a gulf inbetween me and the people I used to hob knob with.
My tastes have been changing, especially in the way I dress, I'm tired of unimaginative black and want to create something more varied in my wardrobe. I'm tired of being unapproachable. Most of that is past tense, my wardrobe has changed...I've hung up my stretch jeans and 20 eyes for something a bit more pleasing to me.
I have no circle of friends now. sad but true, there's no one in Denton that I can call up and say "hey you wanna go do blah". So, all pity aside, where does that leave me?
I'm 30 yrs old, single and trying to find a friend base and also a girlfriend/love interest kind of thing...where's the singles scene? where should I be looking...school? is it fair for me date 19 yr olds, my current peers, or should I find older, and if so, where?
after 5-6 yrs of being abstinant and single, I've lost all confidence...what I had is gone. I don't believe I have anything to offer. I'm my own worst sabbotour. I'd love to be confidant, but you have to have a reason...I'm at a loss. I feel like a shell of who I was, just going thru the motions of being me.
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| Sunday, February 29th, 2004
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2:27 am
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and just when I thought I could breathe again, I limp
I falter, I want to feel again...some more will do...will I, ever again?
shadow...scrounge a leaflet, pull and flow a force or ebb, I do not know
strange, this sensation, hedonism, grab me..control, I still do not know
scrape up the will, juice reason, liquidate all you are...still, you will not know....maybe a hint of who you are will show, a clown a mime a fractured soul...still you pretend and laugh a souless toll...together we know, together we know...
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| Friday, January 2nd, 2004
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12:45 am
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so, my new year's celebration sucked :(
it's sad, when a group of friends goes their own way. some people are inevitably left handging. being grounded in denton. i've just about been forced to sever my dallas connections. doesn't leave me with much...ciao
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| Friday, December 26th, 2003
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7:26 pm
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I hope everyone had a great christmas and the family thing didn't end up too horribly painful.
I just flew back from Colorado. It was great to get out of Texas for a couple of days...also to have an actual white christmas. All in all, it was relatively painless...got to stretch my legs a bit and come to some revelations. Off to booze it up at Lucky Lou's with some christmas money....whoot!
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Sigur Ros - Vidrar vel til loftarasa
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| Sunday, December 21st, 2003
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3:02 am
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so...what gets you hot...makes you regret...makes you remember...makes you feel?
i sometimes look into friends' eyes' and see that they got it! adoration and clout. i look into that mirror and see my eyes - frustrated lonely and despised. that inner villanous voice of resignation. i compromise what i want to give...what i have to give and what i think needs to be given. what's the use of giving when the giver has given up?
maybe one person can change the world...one revolution at a time.
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| Sunday, November 30th, 2003
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2:15 am
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my friends...20 years and counting...my friends...brothers in arms....my friends...a bullet idealogy. it's funny, but my friends look past that and laugh at the difference. we're friends...best buds and we are also brothers. different we may be, we rally in our love for one another. a love deeper than the blood we would shed for one another. we are in our 30s now...once we were scratching our loins and trying to figure who we were. in part we found that together and we grew to who we are now. responsible for each in their turn.
the georgia boys will ride again!
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| Sunday, November 16th, 2003
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4:14 pm
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| Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
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12:21 am
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I'm so very tired...
ever have that feeling of being trapped in sameness? Routine...repetition...blandness. Add this feeling to searching for a new nitch. Before, it was the Church, psudo goth and some industrial dance, drugs and a fair amount of friends in the Dallas area...now, in Denton and disgruntled with the goth/industrial scene and being far removed from a multitude of friends, I've gone searching. Searching for something new and refreshing. Something genuine and 'me'. So far I haven't been able to find it...and it's driven me to a depth of depression I've never known. What can I do to socially (dating, romantic intrests, new faces and friends) survive and hopefully prosper until I get out of this State after I graduate?
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